So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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