we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
