I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
My life is pants optional.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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