I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
