Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Randomize
