This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
