We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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