Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
