I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
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