How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize