I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
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