My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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