hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Randomize
