I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
