hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
