I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Randomize
