you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
