We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
