I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Randomize
