my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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