I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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