I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
