She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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