I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
50% drunk capacity currently
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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