my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
