Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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