i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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