Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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