my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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