Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Randomize
