I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
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