so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
