a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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