Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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