I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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