im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I met the friendliest cop last night
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
