There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
