she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
