after a month anything with tits is on the radar
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
