just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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