Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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