I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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