my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Randomize
