6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
