I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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