I can't breathe out the right side of my face
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
