rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
