I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
