with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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