apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
