If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Congratulations! We have a period
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
