sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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