so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
There's always time for handjobs
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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