She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
