im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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