I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
